"This starts with regaining control of rational thinking by first overcoming our emotions and then taking a step back and reflecting on the situation." "It's important to be explicit in our communication, and this needs to begin with the curiosity and desire to learn more," Roeschlein explained. People often react impulsively in situations with heightened emotions-such as an argument or a stressful situation where abandonment may feel imminent-and they can likely continue the conflict and hurt their partners. "Instead, we must input critical thinking, where we ask how this behavior is serving us and then consider appropriate responses rather than reactions." "When you're facing these issues, it's a nuanced reaction where fear comes in and drives impulsivity," said Kimberly Pisarcik, a licensed clinical social worker in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. Using mentalization to repair relationships They may avoid asking clarifying questions because they fear the answers will confirm their worst fears. Someone who acts out of the fear of abandonment often assumes their partner is on the verge of leaving them. "When we miscommunicate, we jump to conclusions because our brain takes shortcuts to better understand the conflict, and typically, these assumptions are wrong," Roeschlein said. "Mentalization" was coined by Peter Fonagy, a psychoanalyst who described the strategy as the ability to think about what another person is feeling by putting ourselves in their perspective instead of making assumptions. In this situation, mentalization can be a helpful tool. "This format of communication is ripe for misunderstanding already, but rather than calling our partner or responding by asking for clarification, we jump to a conclusion, which is typically based on our fears of rejection." "You might receive a text and react to the information," Roeschlein explained. This means we hear our partner's words but provide our own translation for something we didn't fully comprehend instead of asking what they actually meant.
Unfortunately, as Roeschlein pointed out, the hurdle to this approach is we don't naturally communicate to understand, but rather communicate to respond. Overcoming a pattern of abandonment requires self-reflection and learning to ask questions to better understand your partner's intentions and to alleviate any irrational fears.
#Abandonment trauma how to
Fortunately, you don't have to identify the source of your pain to learn how to deal with it. However, it's virtually impossible to shut down even a small part of ourselves without seeming distant, closing ourselves off to all emotional connections, both positive and negative.Īnother important consideration is that no matter how much you dig through your past, it might be impossible to find one specific cause or even a string of causes that created these fears. The emotional shutdown that may ensue is a survival response, which works in the short term. Intimate partners, as well as close friends and family members, can be the source of abandonment fears. "We now know that these damaging experiences can happen at any time in your childhood or adult life." "Originally, we thought that these were only created in childhood through the classic archetypes of your parents, but this idea has changed," Roeschlein said. Typically, the first step in addressing these concerns is to identify the root of your fears. This behavior can unintentionally cause you pain, which could lead to broken and toxic relationships built on miscommunication. When you spend your days thinking your partner is trying to push you away or abandon you, it's very difficult to be present in your relationship. Processing these events and learning how they impact your emotional connections with other people is an important healing process that creates healthy relationships in all areas of life. "This makes a deep wound, but the research shows it is possible to heal from this." "Abandonment can be defined as any time you need someone's support and, for whatever reason, they're not present for you," said Amelia Roeschlein, a family therapist who holds a doctorate in social work and works as a consultant with the National Council of Mental Wellbeing in Washington, D.C. This pain can come in many forms, including abandonment, which is far more common and far more complex than you might think. No matter how much we try to protect our mental health, there are always situations where others inflict pain on us, intentionally or not.
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